Put on your own oxygen mask first - how parents can cope with GCSE and A-Level exam stresses

It's that time of year again where young people are sitting their GCSEs and A-Levels. Meanwhile, many parents may be struggling to cope with exam stress, and not being sure how to best help and support their children.

A recent study linked academic pressure on teens to an increased risk of depression and self-harm. The research, by University College London (UCL), found these mental health issues could persist into adulthood.

In my experience as a young person's counsellor and psychotherapist of 20 years, parents are often keen to find ways to deal with their children’s exam anxiety. However, it can be beneficial if parents reframe their thinking to focus on their own wellbeing – and put on their own oxygen mask – first.

When we're on a plane, we're asked to put on our own oxygen masks first. The same applies to helping our children; the more grounded and better placed we are as parents and carers, the more equipped we are to be supportive and calm for our children. And this creates a positive ripple effect though the whole family.

If you can manage your own emotional regulation, your child will pick up on this and learn how to self sooth and manage their own emotions. You're modelling skills for life and passing down constructive ways of being.

In psychology, there's a theory called 'attachment theory'. Developed by psychiatrist John Bowlby, the parent/caregiver acts as a 'secure base' for the child so they can safely return for comfort whilst tackling the world and its challenges.

This backs up parents looking after themselves first to provide the 'secure attachment' for the child to come to in times of stress, particularly during exam season.

I've often found that those parents/caregivers who concentrate on their own emotional wellbeing can more effectively provide a nurturing home environment, allowing their children to cope better under pressure and adversity.

Common signs your child may be suffering from exam stress can show up as withdrawal from ‘normal life’, struggling with sleep or a loss of appetite. But you might find the opposite too, depending on what's ‘normal’ for the young person.

As a parent or caregiver, think about revisiting old hobbies and interests as care to self, or checking in with friends. Setting boundaries and being able to say no to things is also very important; put time aside for yourself. Meanwhile, maintain your own energy levels - eat healthily, and prioritise sleep and movement.

Even if your child doesn’t wish to talk, knowing that you're a steady base for them, and a model of consistency and calm, will help greatly. Resist the urge to judge or take over. If they can’t speak, offer other ways of communicating, such as text, family members of friends they can go to, or even a creative exercise to allow emotions to come through.

In my practise, which has involved working in third sector charities for the NHS and as a private counsellor, I often use creativity with both young people and adults as a way of communicating when words are a struggle. Stress and anxiety can disrupt verbal skills, and creativity can help bypass this.

I've often formulated plans with young people by using art, sand trays, nesting dolls and timelines to tackle exam stress - running these parallel with parents to help them metaphorically put on their own oxygen mask first - and provide care to self.

Lisa Norfolk, founder of Lisa Norfolk Counselling, is a person-centred counsellor and psychotherapist based in Leeds.